aching in my ovaries

I have to say, getting my period sucks. It is long, it is frustrating. I forgot what getting regular periods are like. Now I remember. And I wish I could have a break from it. Yuck.

I also have to say that with people getting pregnant, announcing new pregnancies. Birthing new babies. Waiting on babies (like my little sis Amy) my ovaries are aching a lot. Not physically I guess, but mentally I miss having a baby in the house. I cannot believe that we have an almost three year old (in November) and almost the end of diapers.

All of these lasts. I always go in and kiss all of the kids goodnight, and tuck them in before I make it into bed. I gently run my hand over my little Coco's silky hair. Run my hand along her growing body. I ache. I miss that new baby. That time when everything felt the best in my life. With a baby on my hip, or attached to me elsewhere. Babies. There is nothing like them in the world. Not easily replaced by running, photography. Dinners out. Wine. Nothing. I have felt this void lately. It pulls me, it tugs at my emotions.

I have to say I am surprised at how strong these feeling are. I know we are done, but this feeling of getting closer to 40. Me. Looking at my frown lines in between my eyebrows. Me watching my skin get more wrinkly. Watching my baby years pass by me too quickly. Watching the kids grow up all around me. My oldest who now stands up so tall that his head is almost at my mouth. I miss that baby stage. I recently got rid of all of my baby girls stuff. The boy stuff long gone. Gave away little swimmers to my other sis April. The sweet little white basinette waiting for Amy's new little one. I have bags and boxes of girls stuff. Just waiting on my sister to see what she is having! Today she is 40 weeks. She looks amazing, and I cannot wait to see if there is a sweet niece or sweet nephew in there. Only time will tell.

Wondering, how do I really feel. Am I OK with this? Am I going to be able to live knowing six kids are enough. Wondering just how hard another pregnancy would be on my body. How would my legs hold out. How would the kids feel?! How would we feel about this.

Yes, I am sure by now you all think I am crazy, but sometimes I wonder if we are crazy NOT to.

Here I am. Feeling these all to familiar feelings. Once again.

I guess it is just a case of the baby fever. Only time will tell. All I know is that my ovaries are aching. I feel a sense of emptiness. Of sadness. Of wondering.

Is our life complete? I have to take some time to think about this. Maybe one I get my 'baby fix' these feelings will leave me once again.

little bitty baby things

Well, today was a day for getting organized and part of that meant packing up some baby stuff. I truly do not look forward to that time when your 'baby' who would be almost 1 year old in a couple of months or less has outgrown the need for baby items. I know in the past it has been OK, because I knew there would be a good chance that 'somebody' aka a new baby in the family would be possibly using them. But, our family is complete. There are no babies being born to our family, or anybody else in our family (well for now anyways.)

So, I packed up the pack n' play, the baby carrier, the infant toys, the car seat zipper cover. Many of the warm blankets, and receiving blankets. And, of course the little itty bitty beautiful sun dresses etc. They are all packed away. For what?! I am not sure...but it truly was difficult day for me. I was practically welling up with tears packing them away. Each little item, I would snuggle to my chest...and sigh. Some sighs were more sad, and yet a part of me was OK with this all. Weirded that  I am not pregnant right now, and I will never be pregnant again sigh. Not normal for me at this time when usually I would already be pregnant again.

It is weird thing after being pregnant so many times, to just be like...OK all done. I am all done. I am all good with this all not being pregnant anymore. You would think after six, it would be deal sealed. But I have to say I still have twangs and pangs when my friends and family give birth. I am totally happy for them ALL...but I feel like I am missing out. 

Really, I am OK with it all because my Courtney still needs me. My other kids need me. It is all OK. But, like I say  I thought by NOW I would be all over this, and yet not.  Hmmmm.

Well, the day is almost done. I am thinking I will head to bed and hope that my babies (that would be all six of them) decide to stay down for the count. You see, my baby Courtney loves spending time with her Mamma. Yes, lots of time. So, I just relish in that, and enjoy these moments which I know are fleeting. She can stay my baby for as long as she wants. I am totally OK with that. I have to say, she has me wrapped around my fingers. Well, all over me. I know she is my last, and finally I can 'baby' somebody for longer than the time if I were to be pregnant again. Those babes had to grow up more quickly than I would have liked. 

I have to say, that life is good in that respect. I am feeling rather joy-filled knowing that I have been blessed to have this mothering experience over six times in one life-time. SWEET I say SWEET. My job has not been completed either, the babies grow, but I know I am still needed for a long, long time :D

I love you my precious little children. Oh how I love you all to the depth of my soul. To the very centre of my body, to the ends of my fingertips, the the highest I can reach, to the bottoms of my feet. I love you all to the moon and back. I cannot express how deeply I love you all.

I am so thankful for this beautiful life I have been given! This beautiful opportunity! 

Growing like a weed...

{Courtney is 8 months}



Dear Courtney,

It seems hard to believe that eight months ago tonight you were born into our family. Our little coconut so tiny, pink, cute and the perfectly healthy baby girl.

And today a big baby girl who is strong, long, almost crawling, likes to stand up, eat all sorts of table food,talkative and beautiful 'Smiley' girl. You recently had your 6 month shots (yes way late due to the many colds from your loving, adoring siblings who cannot get enough of you Courtney) and you weighed in at a healthy 18 almost 19 pounds. And you are meeting all of your milestones which makes us all so happy that you are both happy and healthy!

You are a little firecracker! You are so determined and I love seeing you develop and grow into a near toddler! It is hard to believe that I am starting to think about your first birthday party already! Dreaming about hot cocoa (Perfect for November!) and coconut goodies...mmmm. All pink and brown for you! A special day just for you! A day just for you to celebrate with your family and friends.

You are our last Courtney Elizabeth, and I am so glad I get this final gift to experience watching you grow up and marvel at all of the firsts you are acheiving today and in the future. It is going to be great to get the opportunity to let you be 'our baby' for a bit longer than the other kids! I look forward so many things with you, my darling daughter.

You bring us so much joy and laughter with that big beautiful smile. It was like you were supposed to be here all a long, and happy girl to bring us joy when joy is needed the most with the passing of your Grandpa almost three weeks back.

I just know Grandpa was most sad to leave you and your siblings behind. He wanted to know what you would sound like when you would first say 'Grandpa' like your siblings. I know he wanted to watch all of your firsts with all of us. I am sorry you will not get the chance to know and remember your Grandpa like some of the other kids. Our hearts are heavy with loss Courtney. Your gift of your joyful smile makes us happy when the days feel so sad.

I do know that Grandpa is in you, and all of the kids. That makes us feel a bit better. He named you his 'Smiley' Courntey. I just wanted you to know this.

We really wanted you to know him, but we had promised Grandpa that we would keep his memories alive.

We love you Courtney.

The last time...

These boots sure got a good use, six girls wore these booties!

I originally purchased these `girly`ones for Claire. And then I put them away. And then we had Carly, and she wore them, then Catie, then Caroline. Then they went to cousin Abigail. They got put away and pulled out for ONE MORE USE for our Courtney. I think I should write Robeez first and tell them what a good boot they make. And totally what a great purchase I made!

I am going to to put them into a wee shadow box for me to remember all of the sweet feet I have kissed over the years.

So many...sweet little toes and chubby feet.

Hey! I have six kids!

Well, well well. I cannot believe I am a mom to SIX beautiful kids. I have one lovely son, and five beautiful daughters and we can not feel any more proud. We are so happy with our family!

If you told me even 9 0r 10 years ago, that when I was 36, I would be married and have six kids in the span of 8 years, I would have called you crazy. But hey, this is the journey of our life! I am so happy with the path we have chosen to take. It has been crazy at times, but so amazing, so much more than words can truly express.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting back on this journey we have taken since our marriage, and then the birth of our first, and how inexperienced we were, how scheduled we were, and how rigid we were. I thought I had no time, then we added our second, and boy were we in for a surprise at just how difficult it was to go from one baby, to two in 18 months. But, we survived.

Then, we added in a third, and it was not so hard. But challenging to be at home with three kids 3 and under. Two in diapers. But we coped and we managed.

Then, the next pregnancy. Pregnancy number 4. We experienced and early loss. That taught us that having being pregnant, doesn't always mean there will be a healthy, beautiful baby there at the end of 9 months. That pregnancy we learned a lot, and felt a lot of sadness and emptiness that we still feel today. Every January, we think of the baby that could have been, and every June, we remember that Fathers Day when we lost the baby. We still do the 'what ifs' and we realized that this baby could never be replaced, only remembered.

Then, we got pregnant again. This was our 5th pregnancy, and our 4th baby. We worried a lot during this pregnancy. Only because I always wondered if this baby would make it. Especially being pregnant after a miscarriage. But, she was born and she was a wonderful addition, and we learned to trust that all would be well.

Then, along came number 5. (6th pregnancy) and again, you just expect the pregnancy to go a long smoothly, but only to find out that there are problems during the pregnancy. And, our baby would have some sort of kidney troubles. So you worry, worry worry and worry the pregnancy away. And, to have the baby born and have the best possible outcome. You do not take a pregnancy for granted. We learned you do not assume that everything would be perfect, but to us she is. Even with her extra ureter! She continues to amaze us! And inspire us.

And then, here comes number 6. (Pregnancy number 7) and you hope and pray that all will be well, especially now that we have had so many healthy babies in a row. You tend to wonder if the chain of good luck will end. So, there is a lot of worry and anxiety especially during the first 'routine' ultrasound, will they find something wrong again? and the extra blood work because I was AMA at age 36. But, then to find out baby number six is healthy AGAIN is only a miracle. And even with the labour and birth of Courtney, we just 'expected' labour to be quick and easy. 8 hours tops. But then to have about 30 hours from start to finish, was a big shocker to EVERYBODY who was waiting for that call. This was our longest labour EVER! But, I just kept telling myself, that good things come to those who wait. Good things come to those who wait. And wait we did. And Courtney was REALLY worth the wait.

I now longer have to look at the empty seat in the van, and wonder who will sit in there, I no longer have to look at the dinner table and wonder who will sit there. I no longer have to stare into the bassinet and look at the boy outfit and the girl outfit and wonder who will be in there. We no longer have to decide on names, because this name that Cliff picked for Courtney was perfect. (even though he swore we were having a boy!) And, I will share the name of the 'boy' name now...if there was no Courtney...we would have had a boy named Cooper Ralph!)

A lot of unanswered questions have been answered with the birth of our sixth child. That is a great feeling to know all of those questions have now been answered.

I wonder where our journey will take us now? I know our life is going to be full of adventure and I cannot wait!

Courtney Elizabeth

TO OUR CHILDREN, A SISTER
TO OUR PARENTS, A GRANDDAUGHTER
TO CATHY AND CLIFF, A DAUGHTER
TO OUR FAMILY, A FINAL BLESSING

COURTNEY ELIZABETH

WAS BORN 11/16/07 AT 5:34 pm
WEIGHING 7 LBS 8 OUNCES.
SHE IS HEALTHY AND BEAUTIFUL

AND WE CHERISH HER ALWAYS

Bathtime for Baby

Caroline sure loves her bathtime!

Too many?

Larger families are near and dear to my heart. And with saying that, I would have to say that I could not go "there" myself to go and have 5 more kids or even 1 more.

With my 5 kids that are 7 and under (7,6, 4,2, and 10 months) I spread myself thin on most days, as does my hubby. But, I would not change my experiences for the world. I know I have become a less selfish and loving person to all of my family. I think my priorities were off when I was a DINK with my hubby. Having this family (Circus) has changed me forever.

The thought of having another often is in my mind. My husband definately is at his limit. He doesn't want any more. The thing that stops me is when I get back to reality and think of my OTHER 5 kids and wonder what the implications would be to increase our family to 6 kids (or maybe 7 if we had twins). And how that baby (as MUCH as they/we would love her or him) would make THEIR lives a lot harder. That would mean a new van, and by that I would mean an 11 or 15 passenger van, a WAY larger home, and just meaning our kids would have WAY less. And having them adjust to more family changes.

The kids ask us when we are having another and we just tell them that we are not having any more. I just LOVE the fact that our kids would be so OPEN to having a 6th. Even if they all had to share a room or whatever. That makes my heart sing.

IF we had a 6th baby it would be for my selfish reasons more than anything else. I just love new babies and I love to see all of my kids together and loving each other (well maybe more like beating each other up lol) Today for example I walked my 2 eldest kids to school. (and then I had my double stroller with the 2 littlest kids in there) And my other daughter came a long too. So, all 5 kids lol. I pick up 2 other school age kids and take them to their classrooms to help out their Mom who just had a baby (a premie) I find it difficult to keep my eyes on the 7 kids...and 2 are strapped into the double stroller. I manage but could not GO there full time.

My hat goes off to families that can go that distance like the Duggars with their 16 and 1 on the way. I just know my limitations and I am pleasantly happy with my 5.

And, I am tired of being stared at, and having people drop their jaws in front of us and count outloud while pointing at all of the kids. Rude don't you think. I have also had people ask me "Don't you know what causes that?" etc. My family, my choice. Our family is well taken care of, and we do not require assistance.

We just have made a choice to do the best for our family. I have decided that lifestyles are expensive and not having kids. We do just fine! I am just happy that our kids have each other, and I *hope* that they will remain close.