If I purged my clothing

I seriously would have nothing left. I was looking in my closet, and it is seriously sad. And basically the rule of thumb for purging clothing is that if you have not worn something in your closet for the last 6 months to 1 year to get rid or donate that article of clothing. The experts say it is OK to keep a piece or two of your "dream" size but get rid of the rest. Well, if I did that I seriously would have zip left. Just think, over the past 8 years, I have been pregnant 6 times. 5 full term pregnancies, 5 postpartum wardrobes, in between wardrobes, different sized bras for different occasions. Different kinds of underwear for different reasons. I would say most of my wardrobe would be too small. Hardly any of it is "just right." because I refuse to stay in this wardrobe for very long (even though it has been almost 8 months in it)

I already gave away my larger sizes. But, I am hoping to fit back into my smaller wardrobe. I love that wardrobe. It is more like me, not the yuck reflection that stares back in the mirror on a daily basis. I don't like that size and I don't like my reflection.

I am in serious need of a clothing overhaul.

But...here comes that BUT. That word always gets in the way for me. I DON'T want to spend money on a wardrobe to just lose weight and have to give those clothes away too. I cannot justify that loss of money. But, do I have to walk around like a slobby housewife? I want to feel good at the same time. Recently as you all know, I bought a new bra (an expensive one at that) and then 4 pairs of nice underwear. Do I want to lose weight and then have them all fall off of me? Then I have to buy more.

I am tired of feeling all flabby though. I am tired of looking at photographs of myself and going, ewhhhhh. Who is that person staring back at me? That is not the person that I was 8 years ago. Where did all of that flab come from? I love my kids, but I don't love my body. Even when I get "smaller" I am scared of all of the loose skin that will be hanging in my midsection. I cannot afford to get new clothing let alone plastic surgery to get a tummy tuck, or a breast lift. But, how good would those surgeries make me feel? Probably really good if I could just get the motivation. I am on a wait list to get my varicose veins taken care of. That surgery is going to change my view on my body image. I will be able to wear a skirt, or pants or nice shoes without the veins interfering on my femininity. I always refer to my leg as my "Dad" leg. I love my Dad, but I don't love my veins. I cannot wait to have that taken care of. Soon, very soon. Maybe that will be the start to my weigh loss journey. Those veins make me feel very self conscience.

So really, I have a problem with losing the weight. Why? Because I feel that IF I get to where I really want to be, I will not have the means to get the items I want done. And so I say to myself. Why bother. Why bother.

But I have 6 people in my life that depend on me, and I want to be there for them all. So, why can I not do it? Why do I feel so blah and ho hum about it all? I am in a rut I guess.

I guess I have to do it for myself. And I have to be the one to set the wheels in motion. Am I not worth it? Yes, I am. Do I have the time? Well, if I could wake up early enough I could. But...there is that but again. Caroline is usually up 1-2 times per night. So, I am usually feeding her when I could be on the treadmill. I could go and exercise when all of the kids are in bed. But, that is my ONLY time with another adult, and that person also happens to be my husband. We need "our" time too. It sure is hard to find that balance. What is a busy Mom supposed to do?

So, simply purging a closet is the easy part, deeper problems are the issue. Not the clothing. Usually purging is that way. There are usually issues behind the clutter.

So, what can I gain from getting to where I want to be? What am I so afraid of?