38

Well, it happened. I turned 38 yesterday. I had a good day! I had my cousin Andrea over, and her sweet little man Evan over. She brought Starbucks for us. I made a sandwich for us all. She also brought me some gorgeous fall flowers. I am thankful her and my relationship. Although we are cousins, I feel that she is my older sister by 11 months. I just love her, and all that we can talk about. Sharing our true feelings and bouncing stuff off of one another. Truly a relationship that I love and cherish. My kids had a card for me, Cliff brought me flowers and a card.

I was actually able to get out for dinner with my Dad, Mom, Granny, The M family and Amy and Tyler. And, I took Cameron. Who totally deserved a night away. He has been working very hard at school this year, and I am so proud of him. So, he got to come along. Before we left, I blew out my 13 candles on my cake (thankfully not 38!) and then I served the cake to my kids. Had a lovely dinner, and of course cake for the 'triplets' which if you don't know are my Dad, myself and my Sister. We share the very same day. I love it!

After dinner, and some goodbyes. We headed to Best Buy to pick an iPhone up for me. So, thank you Cliff for my birthday gift! I just love it and now trying hard to learn it all! So far so good! I picked white, to match my MacBook. Yay!

So with turning 38, I am trying to get used to it. I find it takes a while to grow into that number. Especially now that the big 40 is only two years away for me now.

This morning I felt exhausted, my hips have been aching. I am tired, as per usual I fell asleep on the couch exhausted. When I woke up off the couch, our littlest one was already in our bed. Asleep. So, I had an extra bed mate as well. She is adorable to cuddle, and now that she has the next birthday in our house (2) in November I take it where I can get it. I just love that little girl so much. She is my baby after all.

I will not lie, at times I think we have made a mistake by not having more kids. People can poo poo that statement all they want, but it is my blog :D

But, I am happy with my family. Just extra sad realizing that that 'baby' stage is leaving my house. And I am growing older. But, hey! Two more babies entering the family in December and April! So, hopefully holding that wee baby will give me peace. Or make me feel like I need to have more.

Today, I am dreading a meeting with a teacher. One of my older daughters has been stealing...so....I feel like I am in trouble. And my children are a reflection of Cliff and I so, of course that hurts. And, I wish that I didn't have to go. But hey, this is what motherhood is all about! So...

Also, I have been sad over friendships lately. What I thought to be friendships, seemingly over. Very sad. I read a lovely quote and this is what it said:

"friends are like stars, they come and they go but the ones that stay are the ones that glow"

So, for weeks I have this bad sense of uncomfortable-ness. This un-easiness that follows me around. In person, online and in other friendships that inter-twine. And truthfully this is hurting me quite deeply. But, I guess I move on from here. And stick with the friends "that glow!"

I will continue to be me, and just be the best me I can be. And, if that is not good enough then I guess they were not really my true friends now were they? So, in chatting with others who have been in this situation I know what I have to do. Where I have to go. It sucks, but this is life.

I don't want this part of life to feel like I am in a catty high school drama! Time to move on! Time to connect with true friends. So, I guess I have to press the delete button. So hard to do! I have spent too much emotional energy on this. I need to focus that energy elsewhere!

So, today I let them go.

Thank you to my dear friends who remain, and stand by me and love me. I am so thankful for you all.

This weekend we celebrate our Thanksgiving with all of our family. The WHOLE family! It is going to be a bit hectic, and very loud. But this is what life is made of! Memories! Thank you Granny for having us ALL over to your place.

I am thankful for so much in my life. Thank you all for listening to me today.

Cathy xo

Double Digits

Cameron, 5 ish and in Kindergarten January 2004 

Claire about 18 months, Carly, weeks old and Cameron, just three.

(Claire 2 ish Carly under 1 year and Cameron, 4 back in '03) 

I remember waiting to turn from age nine to age ten. The DOUBLE DIGITS! It seems just like yesterday! And now, I am 37 turning 38 in about two months. 

Tonight, when the clock strikes at midnight, my first born and only son, turns TEN. 

I officially have been parenting for a DECADE. That strikes me in a crazy type of way! Ten. My baby boy is turning ten! How can this be? 

This is just huge to me. Today, we took Cameron, his best friend Jennifer, Claire and Carly to Playland for a day of rides, games, fun and food.  While I was there, I remembered back to the crazy time of when he was about two weeks old. I was a new Mom, newly married. Pretty much still in the newlywed phase of our life.The crazy sleepless phase of the newborn stage, the postpartum stage. We decided lets go to the PNE! I fed him, layed him down in his crib for his sleep. And the next second...a huge pukey spit up in the crib, all over him. Also onto the carpet. OK, this isn't going the way we "planned" so I took the bedding off, threw it in the wash. Bathed Cameron and got him into yet another outfit. We packed all of his stuff. All of the stuff you need with a newborn. You know, everything but the kitchen sink ;D

 So, later than our intended departure to a destination about 45 minutes away we were packed up and in the car. We headed to the fair. Of course, a diaper change once we got there. Don't you know I changed his diaper every 1.5 hours!! LOL. We walked him around in his stroller, we took him to the Super Dogs (my goodness that was too loud for his little ears, and he slept through all the noise and excitement!) and I breastfed him in PUBLIC. That was an ordeal for me being a new Mom. We made new family memories for our family of three. We had Cliff's parents join us down there. They walked him around, and Cliff and I rode some of the rides like the "good old days."  I remember how tiny his head was, how warm he was. How wonderful he smelled. All dressed in the finest baby blue outfits. He was such a good baby. I remember walking around the proud. Proud to be a Mom. Proud of my little family. It was a good good day. One I will always remember.

Today, almost 10 years later we went without diapers, without a stroller. Without all the crazy stuff. And just headed down there. We packed some water, and some wipes. I am glad I brought them that is for sure! I bring those EVERYWHERE still. (Thank you to Nonna who kept the three littles at home!)

The kids went on rides by themselves. We did rides together. At one point Cliff and I were about to go on the Pirate Ship for the fourth or eight time, and I saw Cameron and Jennifer HOLDING hands. I nudged at Cliff. I said oh my goodness! This is ONLY the beginning. So much change in the past 1o years.  

We REALLY enjoyed the day today. It was just wonderful to see the smiles, the laughter. The cooperation. Spending time together. I am sure when we went ten years ago we talked about what it would be like to visit with him and go on the rides. But I know we were tired. I remember feeling exhausted! Just like today. Just a day full of wonderful memories that were different all together. But just like almost 10 years ago. But different. I liked the different! 

So to my dear Cameron. You are one of the most important men in my life. You have been such a blessing to me. To all of us. When I was pregnant with you. I thought you were a girl. Boy oh boy was I WRONG! I am so glad you were a boy. I have had the MOST wonderful decade getting to know you. This year you head into grade five. And just loving all of your wonderful ways! 

Sleep well nine year old. Tomorrow we celebrate! 

I am excited to find out what the next decade will bring. I cannot believe that in only seven years you will graduate. Carly turns seven in a couple of weeks and that has gone by in a flash! So I know it is going to be very exciting in the next decade too!

Much love,

Your Mom xo

2 days from now

You would think life just goes along, and it gets easier with time. Well, I haven't found that to be the case lately. I find it is getting harder. I am thinking in two days from now, I will have a baby who will be nine months old. What is the significance of this you ask? Well, for the past 9 years, at this stage of the game I would be pregnant again.

This time, I am not. Nor will I ever be again. That is a hard pill for me to swallow.

Not that I am not happy with my family size. I certainly am, it is just that I am feeling like I am missing that part of my life already. Mourning the loss of something that is not really even there. Weird, but true.

Anyways, I am just thinking back to the most wonderful 10 years of my life. Filled with love for my husband, love for the six children we have, and thinking of the baby we lost five years ago. That baby would be starting Kindergarten this year. Oh, how I miss what life would have been like with that baby. Oh, how I am so glad we tried again and had Catie, who will start kindergarten next September. And then went on to finish our family with two more beauties.

Small things really, but they are very big. So big, that my heart bursts with love for my family. Big bursts of love and happiness for the best that could EVER happen to me. I know my heart is full of love. But, today it aches. I never expected I would feel that way. But I do.

Life moves on, and I will go with the flow of it all. I have many things to look forward to, but I will always remember this part of my life as THEE very best. I am just so glad to have had this experience more than the family that has a 'regular' sized family.

I also feel like this because I will be ending my breastfeeding phase of my life within the next couple of months. Which will completely end this phase of babyhood decade. I look forward though to moving forward. We are getting sleep, a first birthday to celebrate. But it won't ever be like it was before. Like my Mom always has told me, SOMEBODY has to be the last. And Courtney you are the last.

I thought this moment would be just an easy transition. But it has not been.

It has been awhile

...since I have updated my blog. I have been working on top secret things, that have to do with a very important part of my life. I am moving that important part of my life to the forefront. 

I am not sure how much longer I will be keeping this blog active. But all I can say is that I am really happy with the way my life is heading! I feel so much opportunity is right on my doorstep. I am going to go with the momentum! It has been so positive!

You can tell by my header that things are changing right?! (Thank you to Cynthia for the new header!!) I just love it!

As you all know, I have lost a huge amount of weight in the last 8-ish months, and for now feel I am right where I should be, so I am no longer writing on my Finding Cathy blog (well maybe I will update around my half race in October). If you don't read that other blog of mine, I should let you all know I  am currently training for my first half marathon (21.1 kms) in October. I am really excited for that day! I cannot wait!

I have a lot on the go! AND we are weeks left until school is back in session for the year.

Anyways, things are a changing! I will keep you all posted as things change around here!