Tuesday, April 13, 2010

aching in my ovaries

I have to say, getting my period sucks. It is long, it is frustrating. I forgot what getting regular periods are like. Now I remember. And I wish I could have a break from it. Yuck.

I also have to say that with people getting pregnant, announcing new pregnancies. Birthing new babies. Waiting on babies (like my little sis Amy) my ovaries are aching a lot. Not physically I guess, but mentally I miss having a baby in the house. I cannot believe that we have an almost three year old (in November) and almost the end of diapers.

All of these lasts. I always go in and kiss all of the kids goodnight, and tuck them in before I make it into bed. I gently run my hand over my little Coco's silky hair. Run my hand along her growing body. I ache. I miss that new baby. That time when everything felt the best in my life. With a baby on my hip, or attached to me elsewhere. Babies. There is nothing like them in the world. Not easily replaced by running, photography. Dinners out. Wine. Nothing. I have felt this void lately. It pulls me, it tugs at my emotions.

I have to say I am surprised at how strong these feeling are. I know we are done, but this feeling of getting closer to 40. Me. Looking at my frown lines in between my eyebrows. Me watching my skin get more wrinkly. Watching my baby years pass by me too quickly. Watching the kids grow up all around me. My oldest who now stands up so tall that his head is almost at my mouth. I miss that baby stage. I recently got rid of all of my baby girls stuff. The boy stuff long gone. Gave away little swimmers to my other sis April. The sweet little white basinette waiting for Amy's new little one. I have bags and boxes of girls stuff. Just waiting on my sister to see what she is having! Today she is 40 weeks. She looks amazing, and I cannot wait to see if there is a sweet niece or sweet nephew in there. Only time will tell.

Wondering, how do I really feel. Am I OK with this? Am I going to be able to live knowing six kids are enough. Wondering just how hard another pregnancy would be on my body. How would my legs hold out. How would the kids feel?! How would we feel about this.

Yes, I am sure by now you all think I am crazy, but sometimes I wonder if we are crazy NOT to.

Here I am. Feeling these all to familiar feelings. Once again.

I guess it is just a case of the baby fever. Only time will tell. All I know is that my ovaries are aching. I feel a sense of emptiness. Of sadness. Of wondering.

Is our life complete? I have to take some time to think about this. Maybe one I get my 'baby fix' these feelings will leave me once again.


9 comments:

Yvonne said...

I feel it ... I understand it! YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!

Hope it gets better ... just wait till your sister has her baby!! That will be soooo special (not the same)but special.

Anonymous said...

Have you considered another baby? Don't think i'm crazy...I thought we were done but our last 2 are 4 years apart. I will never regret that decision. She is now a beautiful 15 year old. precious.

Shawna said...

ohmygoshyoukillme :)

Maybe you should just have one last one (for the 3rd time;)

Christina B said...

oh cathy...you are NOT crazy...not at ALL! I completely understnad you...and think it DOES deserve a great amount of attention paid to the final decision...because babies ARE great...and raising them into incredible members of society is a privilege! my thoughts are with you...

Irma said...

You are totaly NORMAL! I to have been noticing that I don't have a newborn in the house either, seeing that our youngest is already 19 months old....it makes for much different dynamics!Hey maybe if you're able to physically & mentally then have another! (-:

Maybe some women always have those fond memories/yearnings?

Teresa said...

I should come visit with Meagan. Wonder if that would make it better or worse? ;)

Anonymous said...

Aw, cuz. You are not crazy (well, not THAT crazy anyway...) I get where you are coming from. (I feel it too sometimes and you know my little Ev is not even a year yet.) I think it's the fact (like you said), that others (all over the place) are having babies/pregnant/trying etc. and you've (we've) made that decision not to have any more. Having a baby is an amazing and honouring experience and I think (well, with me anyway) you know you'll never get that moment again... Hang in there. We can always comiserate together. Lots of love, Andrea xo

Nikki said...

You are not crazy - you have a big, beautiful, wonderful family...of course you'd want more of the same! I'll make you a deal, if you ache too much, you can just come over and borrow one of my babies for awhile!

Alyson said...

whenever I start feeling this way I always remind myself that if the feelings remain strong than someday we can adopt a child at whatever age we wish ;)
Who knows what life holds eh? I never thought I would have four..ever...and I certainly never thought I would long for more either ;)