Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Into chunks

I am feeling a tad (well make that very overwhelmed these days) overwhelmed. I am having to break down everything into manageable chunks because my list of 'to-do's' has grown to three pages. I have to say I am a very organized person, and for me to feel this overwhelmed and admit is saying something. I actually have an eye twitch (that has been twitching on and off for several months), and I am having stress issues that are manifesting in my throat. Even my running is not allowing me to get rid of the stress. I run, I feel less stress I stop running and all of it comes to the forefront of my brain. Same when I actually go to bed and sleep. I am tired, but my brain is not stopping. Lists, thoughts, fears all swimming around in there keeping me awake. 

I haven't been sleeping well. In fact, I have been sleeping on 'Mr. Couch' on most night because I get too tired and I cannot physically move myself up to bed until the wee hours of the morning. Like at 2:30 or 4:30, or 5:30 am. I finally head up the stairs only to have the alarm go off at 6:15 am. I get up and I do it all over again.

I know if I was not taking care of myself life would look a lot worse. And, I think that Fall and Winter take their toll on me too. I expect things to happen. Like wind storms, power outages, and sickness, and even death. It is like I wait for the big bomb to drop. I dread the winter, the rain the cold.  I guess because there has been a lot of losses both physical and emotionally around me in the last few years. Always thinking 'what next' when really I should be thinking of all of the great things that are happening around me. Six healthy kids, a warm house to sleep in. A loving and caring husband. You know, the simple and good things about life. I have to learn to just live in the moment. The past has gone, and tomorrow is not here yet. So why stress right?! But I do. I know I come from a line of worry warts and I am trying to change that. But still, worry is there. 

I certainly feel the pressure of the season, school stuff with the kids, the parties, all of the stuff that goes a long with life. And all of the curve balls life throws our way.

 And, then I am running around the house doing stuff. Lots of stuff. Too much to even type out. Doing this, doing that. Get it done. Get it done. Pick up that, move that. Dust that. Arrange that. Get off the shelf, pick up your shoes, tidy up your room. Please brush your teeth. Please put away your laundry. Clean that again. Blah blah blah. You catch my drift. It is like I just run around in circles. Over and over and over. I want a vacation. Add in Cliff doing some extra work for the neighbour, and a call out on our only day to Christmas shop and it is really enough to make my head explode. How do you fit it all in? Thus the stress of the season!

I want to get away. I really want to run away. I have been waking up these days dreading the busy day ahead. Yes dreading the day ahead. I said that. I am usually a very positive person, and I am a morning person. But I guess even the most positive of people feel the stress and get down a bit. I was wishing and hoping that my husband could call in sick so that we could tackle some of that large looming list together. That never happens. All of his holiday time this year was taken when his Dad was dying. Every last sick day and holiday.  I guess that is on my mind too. The loss of Cliff's Dad has hit us all hard. And just really sits at the front of all of our minds during the holiday season. The loss of a wonderful man. There is certainly an empty hole in my heart when I begin to remember him and all of his goodness.

I also think of the loss my sister experienced, and then I think back to my own loss. I also think of the extreme happiness of my other sister's impending wedding. I also think that possibly in the next year or two maybe I will become an Aunty again. Maybe twice over! Those are all happy thoughts! I look forward to happy things. Those exact thoughts keep me moving forward! I also love having my photography. It is certainly the right outlet for me!

Then I think of how much I miss having a newborn in my house. The sweet baby smells. The sweet little baby. I think of the innocence of babies, and then I think about the terrible two's and all of the diapers. The puke patrol, the flu and the runny noses. The scars, the owies.  Then I go back to feeling jealous of pregnant women. Then I think about the sleepless nights, the colic, the postpartum stage and then I think why would I ever want to go back there. And truly I do not, I just feel that closing this decade of babies has been a very difficult transition for me. Way more difficult than I thought this would be. So, I console myself with cookies, and more running :D

We continue to do well. But not SUPER. I want things to be super! 

And, I wish I had more time to devote to the people I hardly talk to on a regular basis. Like my Granny, my Oma. My sisters. My parents. My neglected friends and family. Oh, and that man I call my husband! This year I will actively work toward spending more time with the man that is more like a roomie to me these days. I need to show him more love, respect and appreciation for all that he does for our family. Poor man has been neglected, worked to the bone. As have I. Something has to go when you have a lot going on. I am sorry that it has been mostly our relationship that has suffered. So, next year he won't know what hit him LOL. Hopefully he notices :D

I know my family and friends understand how crazy our life is with the kids. Yes, I know that this time with young kids is fleeting too. Our life in five years will be a way different picture. No diapers?! Just the thought of no diapers makes me giddy, or a family trip somewhere!!! OR a family outing to say a mountain so we can all ski?! Wow. Will my eldest even want to go and be seen with us LOL. Cameron will be 14, Claire, 12, Carly, 11, Catie, 9 (like Cameron is today!) Caroline, 7 (like Claire is today) and our baby girl will be 6 (like Carly is today!) I think we'd better get another bathroom! Maybe even a new bedroom!  And a great therapist! I am going to need one I think! 

I have probably bored you all, but this is what is floating around in my head. Add in the regular home maintenance, the stuff that will require fixing, the time it will take to get it all done. I will as I say take it all in chunks.

I am heading out for a run tonight, and I hope that endorphin rush can help me to re-evaluate my list in time to atleast get my Christmas stuff ready!!


Irma said...

Oh Cathy ...I so know what you mean...in fact I could have wrote this myself...ALL of it! sniff sniff But life goes on...at least we have SOMEONE who will carry us through this too, after all that is the comfort and the reason for the season. (-:

LauraC said...

Oh Cathy, I am right there with you. I had a mini-meltdown (or major meltdown) to Jon last week and I only have TWO kids. But between the working full-time (extra hours the last month or so), caring for Nate when he was sick, Jon traveling so I have no place to punt the big stuff, the holidays, my grandfather being sick, and everything else, I feel completely spent. The night I had insomina, I made a list of all of my pain points and came up with an action plan to tackle them all so that 2009 is different. But it still doesn't help the stress and craziness!

The Hoegler Family said...

Oh Cathy, I know how you feel, it's like you describing me these days. Sorry I don't have much comfort to give you, but just know that you are not alone, and I often find a lot of encouragement reading your blog. It's actually comforting to know there are more of us struggling even though you always wish the best for your friends. I hope you guys will get to have some great family moments together over Christmas. About the eye, I've had that many times over the years, and mine usually disappear after 3 months or so, so there is hope....hang in there dear friend!

Love from Hege

Anonymous said...

Oh cousin. Please know that I am here for you (although I know you're probably already too busy to even vent!) I feel for you and feel bad that you're going through all this... I love you. xo Andrea

Smiley Eyes Photography said...

You are not alone. I am going through the same things these days. Lots of hugs and support !!!

Anonymous said...

Life is tough. I feel for you. YOu have gone through so much. I want to encourage you that you don't have to do this alone. Talk to your dr let her know about your sleep issues, stress, losses etc. There is help out there. I used to think that it was a weak person who looks for help but have come to realize it is the other way around. I suffered with similar issues and it wasn't until i literally reached the breaking point that I got help. I just held it together for so long taking care of everything and everyone that i lost myself. Don't let it happen to you.

Laura L said...

Take a really long deep breath...now..let me say this,
you are an amazing mother
you are an amazing wife, daughter, daughter in law.
you are an amazing friend...
you are a teacher, an athlete, a cleaner, a chef, a builder...you are everything to so many...
Yes you all have also experienced a HUGE loss and no one can understand...especially how very fortunate you were to have someone so very special. I too am feeling this way this year. Why..not sure..but the lack of sleep doesn't help :( Hang in my dear friend...and know that you are AMAZING!
Love to you and your family...this year there are very special angels surrounding us ;)

Shelly said...