Wednesday, April 09, 2008


It is hard to be in limbo I have decided. It is like time is going by so quickly. But some days linger on forever and I just wish that the day would end so I can get some peace. I am finding it hard not to be able to make plans. I am finding it hard to just have a normal day, because the days are not normal anymore.

We are all very 'keyed up' all of the time. Wondering daily when life might change (for the worse) around here. It certainly isn't easy to live like that. Cliff and I want to make plans, but then say nope. We cannot make plans right now. We just take it day by day. I am a plan maker, and I find that difficult to work around these days.

Finally, Courtney is getting to be a bit more 'easy' in terms of well just the fact that she is not so newborn anymore. She can lay on the floor and have good times with the big siblings entertaining her and making her laugh and smile. We thought well, we can get on with our lives. Make some good memories. And right now, none of that is happening. We feel like it is groundhog day around here again. Just when we thought we would move on from babyhood. Life strikes us, and we are stagnant. That is how it feels. Life has stood still, but not is a good sort of way. It is like this broken finger. I just want this all to be over. But when it is all over it will be 100 times worse.

Yesterday we were talking about going away, and just running away from here. Like moving to California or Hawaii. And just having a great beach lifestyle. My MIL said I will need a good bathingsuit! I said I am not ready for a bathing suit LOL. Soon though. We are all really tired of the cold, wet rain. It is so chilling. We need the good spring weather. I think that will help somewhat. But we are waiting for that too. We are just sitting here, left to wonder and think too much. I am tired of thinking. I think all of the adults in this house are.

We cannot not stop living our life, but it is hard to just live this day to day without making some sort of fun plan. It is really crummy really. And when things change around here, will we even feel like making plans? I just can't stop going 'there.' will get better. It just has too. Thankfully the garden has started to grow and there is some colour in there. I am thankful for that today. That there is a bit of colour to add to this dull life right now.


Kerry said...

It all sounds like too much at the moment...

Hopefully you'll be able to enjoy the smaller things and make some little steps towards making a few plans to keep yourself sane. (and sunshine can always help!)


PamnPat'sParadise said...

Reading this post made me think back to my grandparents and when they got sick. How hard it was to watch them go through it (I was lucky in the sense that they passed quickly). Even now more than 1 year later, I still find it hard.

You do have to live your life and continue to make as many wonderful memories as possible. Make plans to take the kids somewhere close for a weekend - kelowna even or to Harrison for a day. It will give you a day out with the family and you aren't too far away if you're needed


Yvonne said...

If you were me you sound like you need a HUG!!! Nothing I say will make you better .. but a hug! Maybe my hug will help!

You and your family are in my thoughts! All the best!!

AmberP said...

Awwwww Cathy, keep your chin up love. I can't even imagine the ups and downs that are going on right now - and I pray for peace for all of you guys. It is hard when you have a long, wet winter - hard to snap out of it and get back "into the swing of things." Whatever that may be. You guys are adjusting to being a family of 8, and even that is tough. You are moving onto a new stage in life, and are adjusting to that. It's all a little off for you guys, but you are going to figure it all out.

Lots of hugs and prayers to you guys.

Oh and if you decide to run off somewhere warm and live the beach life, we are RIGHT there with you. Just let us know the time and place!!!

ticblog said...

You know, perspecive is everything. Although you feel like you are in a holding pattern (and I often feel that way too) it makes a HUGE difference to reframe it as being on 'spontaneous standby' instead. Imagine all the wonderful things you can do when you have no plans to work around, things to save money for, people to wait for? Day trips to the beach. Last minute plans to visit the zoo. Surprise backyard picnic invitations for Aunties and Grammas and friends...

This is how we live our lives. We have one BIG plan on the go for 2010, a few "medium" plans for the house, and the rest of the time we kind of take it as it comes. If we happen to come into a bit of spare time or extra cash, we'll go do something frivolous. If we have very little time and no money, we'll find something else.

This phase (and season) in your life won't last forever, and perhaps this is a great opportunity to grow as a person, to grow in another direction, one that's inspired by whatever the wind blows to you, or blows you to.

Spring is already here - the rainy weather and cool temps will pass, so sometimes spring needs to be a state of mind - you just need to open your heart to it.

Irma said...

Ahhh Cathy... I feel for you. I feel like I have the winter blues too and am eagerly awaiting the warmer temperatures and sun! Hang in there, girl...this to shall pass. At least you know that this too is normal...

It's hard dealing with sickness so close to home too, huh? My Dad is so sick too...and yet in this way we have to try and embrace all the good things and make lots of memories on the way! Hugs to you and take care....(-:

Susanna said...

Cathy, do you and Cliff have a babysitter so you guys can get out for dinner? Make the time.
The changes that are coming, are going to happen of their own accord. Just as your babies came when they were good and ready, so passing from this world will occur of its own accord.
It is not an easy journey, and I defy anyone to say that time will take the pain away. It diminishes, sure, but the void of the absence of a loved one, is dealt with individually. As you are finding now, it will be different for you as it will be for Cliff as it will be for the kids. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are.
I would encourage you as a family, to try to stick to your routine as much as possible in this time. Make sure to get good rest, and eat properly.
Keep it realistic, dont get lost in plan making, but keep on living too, because when Dad is gone, this will be your tribute to him. A tribute that says you have taken from the passion he instilled in each of you, and are carrying it forward as a flame into the future. If you allow the flame to be extinguished, then how do you share of his prescence in your life?

Carol said...

When there are difficult times brought on by illness and loss, try to think about what the person you are losing would want you to do. I am sure he wouldnt want your life to be on hold for him. Thats not living. You must go on each day like its your last. When I am waiting to die I sure dont want everyone else waiting with me. Take Hopes advice and go have some fun. Your family needs that and thats what everyone would want. ((((C)))))))

Cathy said...

I am so thankful for my blogger friends and for all of the wonderful advice. When I was pondering each response to my post, lightbulbs went off in my head!

Man oh man are you all treasures in my life. Thank you!!

Michelle said...

Hi Cathy... thinking of all of you.. I hope that it's getting easier's hard having your fil ill.. hugs to all..