You would think life just goes along, and it gets easier with time. Well, I haven't found that to be the case lately. I find it is getting harder. I am thinking in two days from now, I will have a baby who will be nine months old. What is the significance of this you ask? Well, for the past 9 years, at this stage of the game I would be pregnant again.
This time, I am not. Nor will I ever be again. That is a hard pill for me to swallow.
Not that I am not happy with my family size. I certainly am, it is just that I am feeling like I am missing that part of my life already. Mourning the loss of something that is not really even there. Weird, but true.
Anyways, I am just thinking back to the most wonderful 10 years of my life. Filled with love for my husband, love for the six children we have, and thinking of the baby we lost five years ago. That baby would be starting Kindergarten this year. Oh, how I miss what life would have been like with that baby. Oh, how I am so glad we tried again and had Catie, who will start kindergarten next September. And then went on to finish our family with two more beauties.
Small things really, but they are very big. So big, that my heart bursts with love for my family. Big bursts of love and happiness for the best that could EVER happen to me. I know my heart is full of love. But, today it aches. I never expected I would feel that way. But I do.
Life moves on, and I will go with the flow of it all. I have many things to look forward to, but I will always remember this part of my life as THEE very best. I am just so glad to have had this experience more than the family that has a 'regular' sized family.
I also feel like this because I will be ending my breastfeeding phase of my life within the next couple of months. Which will completely end this phase of babyhood decade. I look forward though to moving forward. We are getting sleep, a first birthday to celebrate. But it won't ever be like it was before. Like my Mom always has told me, SOMEBODY has to be the last. And Courtney you are the last.
I thought this moment would be just an easy transition. But it has not been.