Thursday, August 14, 2008

2 days from now

You would think life just goes along, and it gets easier with time. Well, I haven't found that to be the case lately. I find it is getting harder. I am thinking in two days from now, I will have a baby who will be nine months old. What is the significance of this you ask? Well, for the past 9 years, at this stage of the game I would be pregnant again.

This time, I am not. Nor will I ever be again. That is a hard pill for me to swallow.

Not that I am not happy with my family size. I certainly am, it is just that I am feeling like I am missing that part of my life already. Mourning the loss of something that is not really even there. Weird, but true.

Anyways, I am just thinking back to the most wonderful 10 years of my life. Filled with love for my husband, love for the six children we have, and thinking of the baby we lost five years ago. That baby would be starting Kindergarten this year. Oh, how I miss what life would have been like with that baby. Oh, how I am so glad we tried again and had Catie, who will start kindergarten next September. And then went on to finish our family with two more beauties.

Small things really, but they are very big. So big, that my heart bursts with love for my family. Big bursts of love and happiness for the best that could EVER happen to me. I know my heart is full of love. But, today it aches. I never expected I would feel that way. But I do.

Life moves on, and I will go with the flow of it all. I have many things to look forward to, but I will always remember this part of my life as THEE very best. I am just so glad to have had this experience more than the family that has a 'regular' sized family.

I also feel like this because I will be ending my breastfeeding phase of my life within the next couple of months. Which will completely end this phase of babyhood decade. I look forward though to moving forward. We are getting sleep, a first birthday to celebrate. But it won't ever be like it was before. Like my Mom always has told me, SOMEBODY has to be the last. And Courtney you are the last.

I thought this moment would be just an easy transition. But it has not been.


Allyson said...

Hi honey, I'm sure people reading this particular blog might think, what the?, but having had to stop at 3 I know how you feel. I think just knowing that each and every time you've had a 9 month old, a new little baby was in the works has most certainly left an indelible mark on you. Obviously so you'd have those feelings of "loss". Knowing how you feel isn't really a surprise. I like your attitude of looking forward to all the great good things to come-"the best is yet to be!" Take it from one whose only done half the job! Love you very much. And in closing want to say, aren't we so very lucky that Courtney is the pitch perfect little gal? Yes we are! xxxooo

Allyson said...

PS: Meant to say also--love the new picture heading of our 6-Pack! xx

Katie said...

Cathy!!!!! I was just catching up with your blog a bit, I find myself visiting only once a month or every other month now, but I'm always mad it takes me so long to re-visit cuz I miss so many great posts and pictures. But its fun to catch up, too.

Reading this post made me tear up. Did I miss something? Is there some reason you for certain couldn't have another child if you want one so badly? You are such an amazing mother! You certainly could have as many kids as fits within your means! I remember you always saying you were stopping after Caroline and how sad you were, but then you got your BFP and you were sooooooo happy! And I was so happy for you!!! I have an online friend who has 14 kids and is still trying for another!

Anyway, don't stop JUST cuz someone says 6 is enough, cuz that's totally up to each and every family. You have such a blessed, beautiful, loving family.

That aside, I hope you don't stop your blog!! Oh no! I would miss it!

And how exciting you're gonna run a half marathon!!! I'm so impressed!!!

Big hugs to you! Cael says HI!!!!

Kelly said...

Oh, Cathy, I know how you feel! With families as big as ours, some don't understand why we would want to have more kids! I have been struggling with wanting #6 ever since Levi was born! My dh doesn't join in my desire for another so it looks as if Levi will be our last and it makes me so sad! 4 of my kids will be going to school in 2 1/2 weeks... what on earth will I do with only 1 at home???

Anyway, just wanted to give you some hugs and encouragement. And, lol, I'm glad I'm not the only one that struggles with this!


Kerry said...

Your mom is one smart lady. :)

It's true that somebody has to be the last (or one of my favorite sayings - 'I'm so far behind I thought I was first', LOL!).

Love the pictures of the kidlets btw!

The Hoegler Family said...

Hi Cathy.

I love the 6-pack pictures!

And even though I only have two kids, I think I know a little bit about what you're saying. After having Mattias I almost wanted to have a kid right away. I thought the feeling came bacuse I wanted to proove that I could make a healthy baby too...weired, but now I don't know. Because Marcus is healthy, but I have the same feeling it because I didn't have a girl, or is this what some women feel because we miss being pregnant somehow. I don't know, because I sure didn't enjoy all the problems with being pregnant, but I loved the exitment of it. The doctors don't recomend another pregnancy, but who knows, I might ignore them. And you know, if you go ahead and buy that 15 seat bus, or have you already I haven’t read the whole blog, you have room for another kid you know :o) Grandma Ruetz is number 18.......

Love from Hege

Yvonne said...

((HUGS)) Look forward with joy of all the things you can do with bigger kids! Enjoy the moment! I am trying too, all the milestones come and I know they are the last time I'll experience it *sniff, sniff* but I soooo look forward to the new things we can do as well.