Yesterday, I accepted a part time job. And, that job more than likely will start in July. Can you believe it? I am excited yet nervous. I am not sure how my kids will do it? I am not sure how Cliff will manage? How will I manage? Will we manage?
This job means opportunity, and the excitment of what a paycheque will bring? It can help fix up the kitchen, purchase two prints I have wanted for ever, new sheets? Whatever we feel like. Even pay off debt. It means freedom, and time for me to be Cathy. Not Mom. To prove to myself that "I've still got it." Or prove to myself that working is not for me at this time. So many emotions, so many feelings are welling up. It means my life is moving on, and my family is growing up.
Cliff has booked himself a consultation with the dick doc. Yes, the big Vasectomy appointment is in Cliff's future. Although I think I should feel happy to be "moving on" I really feel angry and mad that he is actually going through with it. I don't know if this is the right decision. Everybody else says it is, but to me it just feels wrong. I guess because I have spent a lot of time being pregnant and nursing and raising our kids. This August I will have been home for 7 years, with another 5 to go atleast. Except for this pt job I am starting. I guess Cliff and I need to talk about it some more. So that I feel heard, and that he feels heard. And that we both REALLY agree this is for the best. No matter what others have to say about the issue. Because really, it is for us to decide. It is after all our reality. And the decision to go ahead is very FINAL.
Yes, I know I promised. I am sure everybody that knows me knows I said that. But, sometimes I make mistakes. And, I don't want to make a mistake when it comes to our family. Just bear with me. I am just going through many changes and emotions these days. It feels very different than I am used to.
I wonder if I can truly have it all. Can I?
2 comments:
Your blog almost had me in dears Miss Cathy. I am having such a hard time myself. I keep bring it up in not so subtle ways that I think I might have made the wrong decision. I know that I am goign to ask the dr for sure what my options are as far as reversal because I am just not confident that our family is complete. Make sure you and Cliff definitely talk about this - you are right- this is about you and your family. I am feeling the same way. I KNOW that I said Marcus was it but I am not sure about that anymore - and really, I won't feel one bit bad if we make the decision to have another!! Anyway, just wanted to say that you aren't alone in this journey and I hope you can figure it all out!!
Amber
Amber...I thank you for your support. I hope you are doing well.
Cathy
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